Police Humour

Things that make Smokey the Bear Laugh

Would it come as a surprise to you to know that the police have a sense of humour? You may find that hard to believe, especially when they are arresting you, reading you your rights, writing you a ticket, or worse, shooting at you or bashing in your head as part of riot control, but the fact is it is essential for them to be able to see the funny side of things. Some lose their sense of humour, and when that happens it usually ends badly for such officers.

I wondered what sorts of things make an officer fall about in laughter. I logged on to a website advertising funny police stories. What I found I thought was very interesting. I think I can share some of these:

A Royal Canadian Mounted Policeperson by the name of A.L. Lambie says that while working general duty he was called to the scene of an accident. A car had left the road and ended up in someone’s garden. The driver was still in the car and was having a hard time breathing. He couldn’t get out without help.

The officer gave assistance, but noticed a foul smell. Turns out that the driver was a high priced lawyer in a three-piece suit. He was on his way home suffering with the flu. He apparently felt the need to pass wind, but passed more than he expected, and lost control and ended up in the garden.

Policemen don’t particularly like high-priced lawyers who get the bad guys off, so to the police this was an A-class story. He says, “we laughed for days over that one.” I bet they did.

From the Houston Police department comes the story of a bad guy who walks up to the policeman and hands him a baggie of Coke. He said that he had just bought it from a guy down the road and he wanted the police to go arrest him for selling drugs. The truth was that this “model” citizen was a drug dealer himself trying to get rid of the competition. The police got rid of them both. Some stories are so funny you couldn’t make them up.

This one is funny and has involved apparently several people in separate situations. It’s about the cruise control function on cars. The police in California had one case where the van was owned and driven by an Asian man. He engaged the cruise control in his camper van and got up to get a drink from the fridge. With no-one at the driving wheel the van went off the road and crashed. Duh! The same thing happened in all the cases.

There is a big difference between automatic pilot and cruise control. Between sobbing with laughter the police were just amazed these people actually held driving permits.

The police nabbed three guys as suspects in an armed robbery. They got a positive identification from the victim who said they stole his watch and $15 in cash. An officer asked, “O.K: which one of you guys stole this man’s Rolex watch? One of the guys pipes up with “Weren’t no damn Rolex. It’s a Seiko! And then he took it off his wrist and said “See!”

If only police work could always be this easy.

To the men and women who police our neighbourhoods and streets, “Stay safe, and Keep smiling!”


Copyright © 2010 Eugene Carmichael

The Funny Side of Driving

Keep Smiling!

I have been writing about driving matters for well over five years, and it has now occurred to me that I have never focused on the lighter side. Is there a lighter side? Absolutely! People are people and we have the capacity to see the funny side of everything, including driving. The things we say when we are in a bit of trouble, and the things we say to our insurance companies can be terribly funny.

I worked in the insurance industry for over twenty-five years, and although I never dealt with motor claims the funnier claims do somehow get shared. In fact, simply Google “funny driving stories” and you will probably be amazed by the number of entries.

For instance, in answer to the question “Could either driver have done anything differently to have avoided the accident?” The answer given was “We could have taken the bus!”

A car collided with a cow. Question “What warning was given by you?” Answer. Horn. “And the other party?” “Moo!”

“Sorry officer. I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.”

“The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up, so I hit him again.”

The policeman pulled over the tourist on his bike. “Sir, your wife fell off your bike about ten minutes ago!” “Oh, Thank God for that. I thought I’d gone deaf!”

Magistrate to defendant: “It was the only car on the street and you hit it. Why?”

“I was trying to kill a fly when I drove into the telephone pole.”

“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and hit a tree I don’t have.”

“I thought my window was down until I spat through it.”

“The pedestrian ran for the sidewalk, but I got him.”

Humour is everywhere, even when you least expect it. I will do this again soon. Meanwhile, keep smiling and let’s try not to meet by accident!

Copyright © 2010 Eugene Carmichael

A Fine for Speeding

Speeding is not good!

“You are charged with travelling at 85 kilometres per hour in a 50 kilometre zone. How do you plead?”

“Guilty, Your Honour.”

“Very well. I will take a moment to review your prior offences history, if any.”

The thing about this is that probably every driver that ever lived has committed this offence. In fact when the police want to catch a lot of speeders they set up the radar where speed is reduced because drivers are very bad about adhering to slow-down zones.

Part of the fault lies in the road administration in the way that signs are placed. There is one stretch where you are leaving a town and a speed limit of 50. You come upon a sign that says 80 is the limit from here. Just as you get your speed up to 80 there’s a sign saying 50. You would have to brake very hard to be in compliance.

It is very commonplace to come upon a series of signs that require the driver to reduce his speed from 120 down to 40. The law says that as you pass each sign your speed may not be more than that stated on the sign. Again, it is just about impossible to achieve what they want without emergency braking.

Those elements apart, Spain’s drivers just don’t have the discipline that German and Dutch drivers posses. Those drivers are always anticipating they will have to slow down and they are very good about observing the rules without question. (Sometimes.)

Should you be unfortunate to be ticketed for speeding you will have to pay a fine. Apart from being a punishment a fine is also intended to teach the driver a lesson. So, let’s now return to the court case that is in session in St. Gallen, East Switzerland.

“The Court can see that you have a number of convictions for speeding and other driving offences. It would appear that you have not learned your lesson as yet. Under the circumstances this Court feels it must impose a fine that will get your attention. You are therefore fined euros 180,000.”

It is just as well that the court did not suspend his licence as he has five cars. He also has fourteen million dollars, so maybe a fine of this magnitude will get his attention. Maybe not!

Apart from the dialogue, which I have had to assume, this is a true story. The fine amounted to 5,142 euros per kilometre over the limit. That would certainly get my attention.

Copyright © Eugene Carmichael 2010

A Positive Start

The Goal? Far fewer of these in 2010!

These days there is so much bad news to digest that to actually have some really good news makes me very happy. The Spanish road authority has reported that for the first time in modern history, Spanish annual road deaths have fallen to below two thousand.

This is a story about a positive end to 2009 and a positive start to 2010. Perhaps this is not as exciting as news that cars are being sold at giveaway prices, (they aren’t) or that suddenly there are jobs for everybody, (I wish), but the fact that fewer than two thousand people lost their lives on the road in 2009 is a major plus. Far fewer children lost their fathers or mothers, and there were fewer sad stories to be added to the mountain of doom and gloom that already exists.

When we arrived in Spain in the year 2000, life ended on the roads for 4295 unlucky people. They were involved in 3678 crashes. It was also very easy to see why these things were happening. Driving habits were terrible! There were people in those days who seemed to treat driving as though it were a contest in the bullring. Also, the attitude to alcohol was appalling, especially given that people started early in the morning and included alcohol in their activities throughout the day, and that included driving.

For 1992 the statistics are that 5,035 people died in 4,209 crashes. Over the intervening period of seventeen years the statistics have shown a very significant decline. By 1998 the figures had fallen to 4,289 people declared dead from 3,618 crashes. Something was at work making drivers more conscious of their driving habits. Also, roads have been improved greatly leading to safer surfaces upon which to travel.

Enter the points system around 2003-2004 and the figures were dramatic. In 2003 there were nine more deaths than 2002, but in 2004 there were 518 fewer deaths from 407 fewer crashes. 2005 was the point at which Spain turned the corner. That year 3,332 deaths were recorded from 2,876 crashes. People might not have been afraid of dying themselves in a crash, but by now we were driving in defence of our licenses, if not our lives. We could see light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel, and it was daylight.

During 2008 driving had continued to improve to the extent that 2,181 people died in 1,929 crashes. There must have been great celebrations at the DGT who are the people who are leading the campaign that says “To Return is most Important.” 2009 broke the threshold of 2000 deaths, resulting in 1,897 deaths. That is such excellent news and hopefully suggests that the day will not be far off when we can expect single digit figures. (Why not?) By simply resolving not to drive while impaired will almost be certain to return you home safely.

It is very unfortunate that many fatal crashes claim the lives of more than one person. That means many people who die are innocent of any wrongdoing. But, it also means that one reason for the declining rate is that many of the truly reckless are now simply bricks in the cemetery wall.

Nowhere is it written that if you use the roads you absolutely must die on them. Good luck and stay safe!

Congratulations to my fellow drivers! Keep up the good work.

Copyright © 2010 Eugene Carmichael

A Driver's New Year Resolutions

Happy Driving in 2010!

New Year’s Resolutions are fun. We make all sorts of promises to ourselves in good faith, knowing that we really should keep our word, but equally knowing that by the end of January things will be back to normal. However, nothing ventured, nothing gained. So, fellow drivers, please join with me in making some promises to ourselves and to each other that may help to ensure that we get to this point again in 2010.

We promise to drive responsibly and with care for the benefit of ourselves and to others.
We will not drive after consuming alcohol or drugs that may impair our abilities.
We will focus our attention on the matter of driving with due care and attention.
We will drive with discipline and courtesy to other road users.
We will be constantly on alert as to what may happen so that we may be prepared to meet the challenge.
We will observe the speed limits as they are generally well thought out.
We will moderate our speed to suit road conditions.

With those promises in mind 2010 could very well be a good year for driving. Best of good luck to each and everyone in this brand New Year.

Copyright © 2010 Eugene Carmichael