What’s Normal?

On Wednesday, 26th November, 2008 a student driver went to the Realistic Driving school in Petrer, Alicante Province, Spain to have a driving lesson. He had already done the exercises whereby he had learnt the co-ordination things about clutch and brake and accelerator. Today was going to take things up a notch, for today he would go out on the road for the first time.

To say that our young eighteen-year old was excited was an understatement, but he was a fast learner and he took in the counsel of his instructor well. He had been told that there are only two types of actual accidents. They are (a) when a wild animal plunges into the path of an oncoming vehicle and they collide, that is deemed an accident because the animal cannot be blamed. The second type occurs when a driver is overcome by a major sneeze. We cannot sneeze with our eyes open, and a sneeze has a mind of its own. We don’t have to have an actual cold in order for this to happen, so very often these things come to us out of the blue.

Everything else has a fault attached to it. Someone did something that they ought not to have done, or they didn’t do as they were supposed to do. Possibly the collision occurred as a result of bad road engineering or faulty design of the vehicle itself. Examine the circumstances of collisions, large and small and you will be able to lay the blame on someone. In the United States that someone gets to be sued.

After preparing properly the instructor said something else that is very important: he said that in driving, if we can anticipate that something will, or could happen, when it does we can be ready for it to the best of our ability. This day would not tax our young student very much as they would only drive around the block so that he got a feel for being in a real life situation.

They left the driving school parking lot, turned right and proceeded to the traffic lights at the junction. When it was possible they turned right onto the main road and proceeded to pass Cam Bank. At the bank, a bit of excitement was taking place that our student driver was unaware of. Two would-be armed robbers were in the bank. Their names were Mr. Dumb, and his accomplice; Mr. Dumber. Mr. Dumb had been in the process of trying to get the manager to open up the safe, but in spite of taking a beating he refused to do so.

In the process the alarm was sent and the bank became surrounded by police. Mr. Dumb decided that things were not going at all as planned, and so he decided to make a run for it and he came out blazing, wounding four people. He ran into the street in front of the approaching student driver and he fell, promptly got up and pointed his pistol at the police who took him down in a hail of bullets that crossed just in front of the car’s windscreen. It would have been much simpler had he simply dropped his pistol and raised his hands.

The student driver slowed, then he remembered that he had an accelerator and pressed down hard. The car gave out a great cloud of smoke and leapt forward and he was gone. Reportedly he didn’t stop until the car ran out of fuel, somewhere near Madrid.

He apologised to the instructor for getting so rattled as he understood that he failed to anticipate that happening. He thought that for Realistic Driving to go to such lengths was incredibly good training, and that if he decided to continue to drive he would have to get tougher and more accepting of what was normal. Perhaps, he said, he might just leave the driving to his mother and father.

Meanwhile, back at the bank Dumber thought that he needed to be someplace else so in order to get out he would use the multitude of hostages under his command. “Now listen up, you lot. We’re all going to move to the door and you will surround me as we go outside.” Problem: the maximum number of people who could pass through the door at one time was two. He was pretty sure that if he allowed the hostages to go ahead of him they would bolt, so he would go first with a hostage and the others would follow.
As he passed through the door some smart ass locked it and everybody scattered.

“Mi carga en la leche!” he swore. “OK friend, it’s you and me.” But as they moved forward the hostage tripped him and fell to the ground leaving Dumber fully exposed. So, did he drop his pistol and reach for the sky? No, he did not. He thought of himself as Butch Cassiday and started shooting and that was met with a predictable response. He was not immediately killed, but instead he was taken off to hospital suffering from too much lead in his system.

Of course I have made up certain aspects of this story, however there was an actual daylight robbery attempt and the bandits were shot by the police in front of a passing driving school car.

I would just love to hear the driver’s actual impression.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

The Monster in the Mirror

“Images in mirror may be closer than they appear.”

This warning appears on most car mirrors, but was never more pertinent than on the car mirror that was being chased by a dinosaur in the film, Jurassic Park. However, I’m not talking about those types of monsters, simply other cars that share the road with us.

We’ve all had the experience of driving along in the far left lane when suddenly there appears in our mirror the image of a car coming up fast behind us. The driver clearly wants to get past and he’s (it’s usually a he) in a real hurry. Most people feel something of a start upon being in this position and panic. We pull over to the side as quickly as possible to let the speed freak get by.

Driving these days is a whole lot about being able to keep your nerve, and frankly being a bit bloody minded. When driving the motorway and occupying the extreme left hand lane we are only obliged to maintain a maximum speed of 120 km/h. We need only be in that lane when overtaking and when that manoeuvre is complete we need to return to the right hand lane promptly to comply with the rules of the road. However, the problem arises because the roads are occupied by a lot of fools who can only be pleased when the rest of us stay at home.

This is where the bloody-minded part comes in. We all pay for the privilege of using the roads, and the bit of space you are presently on is yours to occupy for the moment. It’s your little piece of real estate and it shouldn’t be given up easily.

I do admit however, that the sudden appearance in the mirror of something coming up from behind when I’m blocking its path and it wants to get by is reason for me to come back to reality from my daydreams of what I would do if I win the “El Gordo” lottery this year. That’s made even more threatening if he’s tailgating and flashing his lights. The problem also is the size of some of today’s cars.

Jeep has a very impressive front, as does the Volvo XC90, and the top of the line Chrysler saloon. The VW Taureg, Kia People Carriers, Land Rovers of any description, BMW X series, Mercedes, and so on. The biggest monster of all that you really don’t want to suddenly find hot on your heels is the giant Hummer from America. People who drive these things are boldly advertising to the world that “I am a person who definitely has far more money that sense.” I have seen them transporting the kids to school. Give me a break! Their petrol bill for just getting out of the driveway would put most of us in the poor house.

It’s quite something to be able to show off and laud it all over everybody else when you’re up high in one of those things, however, most of us are muttering to ourselves, “so, that’s what a drug dealer looks like!” What a Bummer to be in a Hummer!

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Billboards

As though we are not busy enough trying to safely navigate our way through the heavy traffic loads, thousands of merchants place their messages, which they seem to think are s-o-o-o important, right where they will distract us the most. The roadsides are becoming so fully lined with these idiotic signs that if you did what they are suggesting and read each one, it would be like reading the newspaper while driving. How on earth are you supposed to drive with due care and caution if you are supposed to pay attention to these things?

Firstly, I have some news for the advertisers who pay good money to hire these board spaces: I have never been persuaded to buy one single solitary thing by a billboard message, and I feel so bloody minded about them that I never will.

For the purposes of this piece I stopped my car, got out to actually take note of what the advertisers want me to see. Well, just how important are these messages. Upon entering L’Eliana from the CV-35 we are confronted by nothing but boards. The fact that most of these boards are on the first major roundabout is not lost on drivers. We are wondering who on earth approved these things in the exact worst spot one can imagine.

There is one for Bingo Osito. Somewhere in the shopping centre at El Osito is a Bingo hall and they would like all of us to change direction and come play Bingo with them. I don’t think so! The people who are into that sort of thing know they are there.

Corporea Wellness Club would like to welcome us into their group. Well, good health is important, but if I’m trying to read their board and I run into the car in front of me, that will do nothing to promote my good health.

The Music Escuela, “Musicorum” really want us to come learn to play the guitar. Can’t that wait? Peralta Fabrica de Compras seem to be trying to sell us something. You won’t be able to figure out what while on the move. A lot of good that’s doing!

Decathalon have just opened a huge new shop on the opposite side of the road to the entrance to L’Eliana. The building is impossible not to see when entering and leaving L’Eliana. So, do they really need to place their message on billboards so close to their store? Also, Leroy Merlin operates a massive presence within El Osito, and very close to it there’s a billboard announcing I should come and shop with them. The billboard nearly obscures the store when you catch the angle just right.

I stood in front of a board advertising “Olvidate”, that’s “forget about it” when translated. A very good idea because I can’t figure out what this wants me to do other than forget it. Mark that one done.

There’s also one advertising J&B Scotch, which I do drink, and Rokelin, who offer the taste of something or other.

The one that tops them all is the sign for the Blue Sex Factory that suggests gifts for mujeres and couples. Nothing for guys? That’s one thing about the culture in Spain that I do appreciate, and that is the healthy attitude towards sex. Here they seem to feel everyone should do it until well satisfied.

Anyway, you get the idea. However, this gets me going so much probably because I come from an island where billboard advertising is simply not allowed. Neither are neon lit signs, and there are size restrictions on business names that are fixed to their buildings. I’m actually irritated by all this clutter, so much so that when I’m driving out of it and into the country where there is nothing of the sort I feel a big relief.

I do know about subliminal suggestions that give a person ideas that he is not aware he has taken on, but I can assure all of those responsible for the above mess, they have utterly failed to sell me anything. Where I have bought something that they sell it was because of entirely different reasons. I might even consider penalizing advertisers who spoil the environment by not supporting them.

So, to the Minister(s) responsible I say, clean up this act. No-one is going to go to sleep while driving because they don’t have anything to read.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Lewis "One Point" Hamilton

I’m convinced that this is a very extraordinary young man. In fact, he is not just an ordinary and average racing driver, I think he is the consummate entertainer. In his first year of racing this monster machine he lost the world championship by just one point.

At the start of this season he was unstoppable, taking one race after another. At one point we were all wondering whether this was Michael Schumacher over again, and fans began to give one giant yawn. But then, things started to go wrong for Lewis. He started to make mistakes. True, they were mistakes that everybody else make with routine monotony, but still it was Lewis himself who was making them. I thought he was bigger than that, but then I reminded myself that he was only human and as such he was subject to make mistakes.

Felipe Massa took advantage of every error on the part of Lewis to increase his total of points, and to cut the points gap between himself and Lewis. Then Lewis did something that I felt was along the same lines as Mike Tyson doing an ear bite: Lewis cut across a bend to get out in front of Felipe. I saw that as desperation, and the rules committee agreed. He did finish that race in first position but he was made subject to a time penalty and the first position went to Massa. Now, this was serious business, and I, along with everybody else sat upright and started to worry.

If Lewis was to have a real chance to win the championship he would have to pull up his socks and start to work his magic. But, not so fast, Fernando Alonso had something to say about that. He got his winning ways back and finished a couple of races in first position. Perhaps we were seeing in Lewis a young man who had peaked.

We saw something like that in Tiger Woods. That first year that he won the Masters Tournament in America was an amazing thing to watch. He was masterful and hypnotic. I had gone to a golf club on some other business. I walked into the lounge that was as quiet as an empty church, although every table was full. Someone made a telephone call to a golfing buddy who was out on the course, suggesting that he might like to abandon the round and get back to the clubhouse pronto. For a while Tiger continued his dominance, but then he started to lose some games. So it was with Lewis.

The thing that Hamilton, Woods, and President-elect Barack Obama all have in common is that when they come under pressure they maintain their calm. However, as fans of Lewis Hamilton we were biting our nails and sitting forward on our seats. The points spread continued to narrow, but Lewis said that he was comfortable with that. But then, came the moment of truth, the final race of the season in Brasil. He was neither ruled out or in as the eventual winner ahead of the race. He could only pull off a win if he finished no lower than fifth place. But he had to finish, and a fifth place would give him a one-point lead over Massa, who was up in the front pack.

People all over the world watched that race who had never watched a Formula One race before, just as the same thing happened in golf, and in America’s presidential race for president. The tension around the world was so palpable that it could truly have been sliced with a knife. Nowhere was that more so than in the U.K. This was a chance for a British title, and in the history of the race, it was also a chance for the title to be taken home by a young black man for the very first time. To say that a lot was riding on the outcome is a true understatement.

Around and around they went and Lewis was nowhere near to where he needed to be. In the closing rounds of the race he made up ground and with only two more corners to go he was in sixth place. Disappointed fans began to turn their backs on the screens as they could not bear to watch his loss. But suddenly, the most enormous roar went up around the world that surely could have been heard in outer space. On the second to last corner Lewis found his opening and went for it in flawless style and crossed the bar in fifth place, one point ahead of Massa to win with a total of accumulated points for the season of 98, compared with 97 for Massa.

Britain shook with the excitement of the win, and even Her Majesty watched as he brought home the title. This was drama at its finest. It was the best of all that had gone before, so much so that few of us can remember who actually finished first on that day.

Lewis Hamilton is a very nice guy. He honours his family, his country, and his team. He is handsome and well spoken and the right sort of role model for a lot of young people who are otherwise following paths to hell. They can see that should they wish to turn their lives around they too can make something substantial of themselves. If only they would believe that, “Yes, we can!”

Lewis Hamilton, Driver, World Champion Formula One and great humanitarian. But how great is he really? Stay tuned for the 2009 Formula One racing season. We’ll see!

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael